Birth
if i didnt know any better, i'd think a lust for travesty fabricated my existence
i'd think that when i'm talking i'm really listening
and sometimes i lip-sync, like instincts - i didnt blink on purpose
but i blinked i suppose...
when i see focus, on my part, that's bogus
i know this, i notice, that no reason is mine
i can be instructed, i can't instruct - but once i struck this guy wide open
i used a toaster oven, in his kitchen - i don't know why...
i'd think that when i'm talking i'm really listening
and sometimes i lip-sync, like instincts - i didnt blink on purpose
but i blinked i suppose...
when i see focus, on my part, that's bogus
i know this, i notice, that no reason is mine
i can be instructed, i can't instruct - but once i struck this guy wide open
i used a toaster oven, in his kitchen - i don't know why...
posted by Unknown at 12:00 PM
5 Comments:
I dig, very clever. Hope I don't run into your alter ego, though...
cena vieri was very introverted, n'est pas? great piece. love the idea that lust may have the power to create. also i like the way the concept of birth is indirectly expressed. opening of lips, eyes, and 'this guy'.
The visualization is indeed impressive. I catch an aura of ever-present re-realization within every action similar to that of one first born into a world misunderstood.. at first. Tomorrow we'll know why we needed the toaster.. Ya feel me? Deep piece...
My favorite part is the movement from oblique and impressionistic (confused, questioning, innocent) to direct and specific (I did this very particular thing with a toaster oven, which is a very solid, evocative object and the only tangible object mentioned in the poem). The end also teases the beginning of a story, and -- as a playwright -- story is what I hook into most naturally.
There's a similar movement from stassis to action, self-obsession to (what appears to be) violent engagement with the outside world. It strikes me as a picture of someone trying to break free from some kind of (unidentified) self-recrimination.
The internal rhymes are great, too. Very evocative, very rhythmic. Great language, great imagery.
The only thing that I didn't like was the "I don't know why..." I always think that's code for "I don't want to say why." And THAT always seems like the writer doesn't want to go to uncomfortable places, which is exactly where writers/artists need to go. Just my opinion, obviously.
Of course, there could be more to this piece than we've gotten so far...
thanks to all for commenting on the first piece...
in response to:
g, not me - he is explaining his birth; like a thrust into life...
eric, dont worry - i take my schitzophrenia medication during my hours at the office...
mishka, i truly enjoyed your observation about lust - very insightful and will be evaluated upon in future pieces. your interpretation of the concept my concept of birth is your own though - i have no idea how you reached that conclusion... evaluate maybe?
blessced, YES - very omnipresent! and YES, we'll explain the toaster! thanks for the crit, hit me on the next one...
j boyd, with you having been an english major i'm most thankful for your crit as it gave me more insight into my own work than anything previously. you've basically did some outlining for me in regards to the sequence of this series. and yes, it will be continued...
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